Retirement Speech

by Aaron Baird

   "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and what a fine evening it is, thanks to this man, the one we honor tonight, Aaron Lee Baird.  No please sit down or we'll never get through this night.  Please, I beg of you, hold you applause until the end.  Thank you.

   "Some of you may be wondering how I was chosen to have the honor of speaking to you tonight about Aaron.  No, please, I said sit down.  We need to get through this.  Thank you.  I met Aaron - I said sit down!  I'll never be able to finish this speech if all of you give a standing ovation every time I say Aaron's name.  Now, please remain seated.  Thank you.  Now, as I was saying, I met Aaron - cut it out!  What do you think this is some kind of game!?  Do you think you're being funny?!  Well, I'm not laughing!  All of you, sit down and shut up!  Thank you!  I met...him... during our first year of college.  Aaron and I - for Christ's sake, why can't you people just stop clapping!  How can I be expected to give a speech when I can't even get in three words without you little bastards giving a thunderous outcry!  I hate all of you!  I'm sorry Aaron, but I just can't do this  You'll have to find someone else to speak for you."