I'm Sorry

by Aaron Baird

   "I'm sorry.  I know I said I would visit this weekend, but I have a paper due in English on Monday."
   "What is it going to be about?"
   "Rumor has it that it's suppose to be of the cause and effect genre.  Three to four double-spaced pages of pain-in-the-ass is probably what it's going to turn out to be, though."
   "Have you figured out a topic yet?"
   "Of course not.  Most likely I'll procrastinate and whip something together at the last minute like I always do.  Still, I should at least satisfy my conscience and give the illusion of working on it."
   "If it's such a pain, why are you even bothering to write the paper?"
   "Because my professor told me to."
   "So.  If some total stranger walking down the street suddenly said `Write a three to four page cause and effect paper due by Monday,' you would laugh in their face before giving them a wedgie."
   "Somehow I don't think giving my teacher a wedgie would improve my grade any."
   "Still, being your professor only makes them one step removed from the nameless masses.  What causes you to listen to what they say as opposed to anyone else?"
   "Because she has control over my grade, for one thing."
   "I know for a fact you don't give a rat's ass about what grade you get."
   "True, but society does and since we live in a wonderfully capitalist country that only allows those with a degree to advance beyond a toilet bowl scrubber, I need to at least pass to start doing what I really want to do."
   "So you think not writing this essay is going to keep you from graduating and, ultimately, doing what you want to do?  Wow, that's a pretty hefty assingment."
   "Alright, I guess it's not really that life altering.  But there's more to it than just the grade.  My professor has already received her degree and established herself as a productive member of society.  That holds some respect to me.  And that respect, along with keeping me from giving her a wedgie, compels me do what she requests.  At least to an extent."
   "So you could say that you're going to write this paper to win her approval, in a way."
   "Not so much win her approval as not warrant her disapproval.  It's like driving down the road.  You go the speed limit not in hopes that the police will pull you over to congratulate you on your fine driving skill, but rather in hopes that they won't haul you off to jail.  And I guess, when it comes down to it, I kind of enjoy writing papers."
   "Blasphemous villain!  I damn thee for uttering such a phrase!"
   "Shut up.  I like sharing my ideas and, all modesty aside, I think I have at least one or two good ones.  Writing papers for a class of this sort allows me to stretch out in directions that other classes would not permit.  It gives me the chance to be creative which is something that most the classes in my major are seriously lacking.  I hate writing uninspired drivel that the reader forgets ten seconds after finishing.  When I write, I want the reader to remember what I have to say, to be changed in some way, for better or worse."
   "Do you think your professor will be effected by this next paper you're going to write?"
   "Only if I can think of a descent topic.  And even then, there's only so much you can do with a cause and effect paper.  Between that and the fact that it's practically a given that someone else in the class will do a great paper, I'm not sure how I'm going to make this one stand out.  Or rather, I'm not sure how I'm going to make this one stand out without fatally injuring my grade for the course."
   "I don't think one paper could have that much effect on your overall score."
   "No, but it could taint her ability to be objective of me for the rest of the semester, which would be reflected in the grades for the rest of my papers.  I mean, if I start talking about giving her a wedgie right in the essay, she might take offense."
   "Yeah, I guess you should probably avoid that one.  It sounds like you have quite a bit of work ahead of you."
   "It's hard to say.  You never know when inspiration will hit.  Once again, I'm sorry I can't come by this weekend."
   "I understand.  Just let me know how your paper turns out."
   "I will."